I find writing in this blog to be amazingly ironic. When someone asks how I am doing, I tell them I'm doing fine, doing good, everything is okay...and that's true. I am. It is. But that is the extent of my comfort level when it comes to talking about my emotions. I really feel better talking to them about things going on in their lives. But when emotions and feelings start bringing me down, I find so much comfort and relief in laying everything out in this blog journal, which goes out into the world for anybody to read. Go figure.
As soon as I can teach myself how to create another blog, put all of my journaling about David into it, and just link it to this one, I am going to do that. This appears on my home page, so it is the first thing shown on here, and there is more to me than this. There is more to my life. I feel like I will be forever missing David, but my life does have other portions to it.
And I am going to rename this journal. I have come to realize that my life will never be without David. He will always be a part of me. Sometimes that makes the loss more painful, sometimes it brings me warmth. But it all seems to come down to which pieces of David I get to keep and which ones I have to give up. So it will be called Pieces of David.
It is so hard to let go of anything. There is much that I have no choice about...his physical being, of course...his presence, his vitality...his voice...his touch...our future together. And there is much that I can keep with me and feel as often as I want...the memories, the love we shared, the love he had for his family and friends. But there are so many things here, both his and ours, that require a decision on my part. Frankly, I don't want to make any of those decisions, but letting it all get packed away and put into storage is making a type of decision and not a practical nor a healthy one.
There are days when I am overwhelmed with the enormity of this moving thing and all that I need to do. I look around and see so much stuff in this house and, knowing my limited energy and stamina, feel like it is an impossible task. But I have my goal of being done and out of here in November. If I don't have a deadline, it will just get put off indefinitely, and that is not an option. Where is that fairy godmother, the one that is supposed to appear and poof!, it will be all done?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
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1 comment:
I really feel for you in your challenging task! We are of course very eager to see you succeed at making your deadline, but remember that it is just a guide and not something meant to overwhelm you. Do what is possible and trust that we will be there for you when you need us.If all you get done by November is be happy, then that is all anyone can hope for.:)
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